Sunday, August 9, 2009

Recent Life With Bryson *Edited*

Truth be told life has been hard lately with Mr. B. It seems every since we went on our trip the first of June to Southern California life has not been the same. He has been sleeping in our room since that trip and can not fall to sleep unless I am in there. And then add the summer of more casting, numerous trips to St. Louis and now sleeping in this bar for 12 hours, life is hard! He has emotional breakdowns every day, crying that he wants to go back to China. He sleeps at best 1-2 hours at a time and then I am up helping him to turn over, putting a blanket on him, taking him to the bathroom or consoling his broken heart. It makes very very long nights which will be interesting with school starting for him tomorrow and work for me!

When he is happy, he is happy... life is great! When he is sad, it is heart wrenching and he is very hard to console. However, he does want me holding him and comforting while he wails...that is a positive, exhausting but positive.

Tomorrow, he will have been out of casts for two weeks. He still is not walking. He is taking steps here and there around the house, but by no means walking. He will start school in his wheelchair. Boy, I have been in denial here as 10 days ago I met with his principal and told him he would not be in a wheelchair, maybe crutches! Honestly at this point, none of us know what assistive device he will need to successfully navigate his way through school and life.

Right now, I would just be happy with a few full nights of sleep for both he and myself and for him to stop telling me he wants to go back to China all the time. I know he really doesn't and I know he loves us very much, he tells us all the time. Nevertheless, it is hard hearing since we know what is best for him. I think in his mind going to China means going with his family.

Promise you a happy post tomorrow about his first day of kindergarten! Have I told you he has the most wonderful kindergarten teachers ever?!?!? I love them, love them, love them!!!! They were Marissa's last year and they are truly excited about having Bryson in their class this year!

After another crying episode this afternoon, once calmed and back to himself I brought out the few pictures we have of him in the orphanage. I thought this might be a vehicle for communication about his crying. He was excited and enjoyed looking at the pictures until we got to the one of the front of the orphanage. He said, "no good" and then said "Bryson waiting for mama and baba." I replied, "you like living with mama and baba?" He smiled his big smile and "Yes, mama and baba good" and then pointed back to the orphanage picture and said "no good" while shaking his hand back and forth.

Now I have never taken his crying to go back to China personal. I understand he is only 5 and his little world has been turned upside down over the last nine months. However, it has been frustrating not being able to understand what he is really thinking. But if you could have seen that smile when he said "Yes, mama and baba good", it was convincing that he knows who loves him and wants him and that this is where he belongs.

I am grateful for adoption. As hard as some days may be, adoption is still truly a blessing! Bryson has forced me to grow in ways I never would have needed to had he not become my son. Thank you God for this precious treasure!


scrappy quilter said...

My heart just breaks reading this. I have few words right now other than I'll continue to pray for him. It sounds like so little and yet I know that Jesus sees this little man and knows how he feels. Hugs to both of you.

Mom Of Many said...

I am so sorry VT. My heart hurts for him, you, everyone!! I can't help but think that he's grieving the loss of his life as he knew it in China (albeit not a dream life at all - totally contrary!) But kids have a way of thinking it was wonderful. Just today Liberty asked Isaiah if he wanted to go back to China and he said he did. I was surprised, but he probably is dreamy about how great it was (not!)...I am wondering if all the changes have triggered all the emotion. Really, better that he deal with it and grieve instead of pretending and deal with it as a teen. (Even tho it is horrible for you to watch, stay awake and have to comfort.) If you want I will ask my friend who is a clinical psychologist?? I am having lunch w/her this week. Want me to?

I think what he is really, really trying to say is that he wants to come visit his VT Isaiah in we all can play? Ask him! promise! That's what he's trying to say...he just doesn't know the right words yet.

Praying tons! Maybe we should fast?? Whatcha think? BEsides booking the flights, of course!


Anonymous said...

I feel so heartsick for you, and you must be beyond exhausted. Thank you for sharing so we can all pray for you...and I'm so glad Bryson is finished with casting/surgeries for now.


Mandi said...

My heart aches for you and Bryson. Things right now may seem so tough, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Mylee went through the same meltdowns and I just kept telling myself it was nothing to with me, but it was her way of acting out her frustration.

I will be praying that things get better and that Bryson will soon be out of his wheelchair.


Anonymous said...

Oh Sally, what a time you are going through with Bryson. I know this will resolve soon, and he'll be his happy self. I'm sure he'll have a great first day of school (already!) and you will too. I'm thinking of you,


Jean said...

It is so hard to see them grieving and yet we are supposed to be the adults in all of this- I just said to hubby "sometimes my feelings are hurt, yes, I know it's not about me But..."

Regular adoptions are challenging but Bryson, you and your family have had extra, unexpected challenges- you have done so well with all of this- hang on tight to our dear Lord- it will get better.

Blessings to all of you!